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by Jackie Titus
It’s those life lessons—not academic knowledge or recreational skills, but qualities like diligence, perseverance and responsibility—that will have the greatest effect on their lives. Parents need to remember that making sure their children acquire those skills is more important in the long run than whether a child gets an A on a report card or wins a swimming meet. ~ Patricia Sullivan
Do you spend hours each night making sure your children do their homework, practice their musical instrument, do their chores, brush their teeth and anything else you have deemed as their responsibility? Do you continually rack your brain about how to get your children to do what they are supposed to do without having to be continually told, nagged and threatened? Would you love to retire from your jobs as motivator and full time rule keeper for your children?
If you answered “yes” to these questions, you are not alone. In fact, according to Andrea Glovsky, a nationally known speaker on educational issues, the most commonly asked question of high school teachers and counselors is, “How do I motivate my child?” This leads me to conclude that most parents never get to retire from their jobs as motivator and rule keeper and are still wrestling with them even when their children are in high school.
If it is a goal of yours to raise children who are self-motivated, I want to applaud you and encourage you to never give up, regardless of how exhausted and frustrated you might become. Accomplishing this goal will make family life so much more pleasant and free up hours of your time, but more importantly, because being self-motivated is an essential quality needed to be successful in life, you will be giving your children a valuable gift.
The following is a list of suggestions that have been found to be successful in encouraging children to be self-motivated:
Responsibility
Let children be responsible. This includes actions, schoolwork,
chores and relationships. Know what a child is capable of handling at
a given age. Based on that knowledge, give them responsibility appropriate
for their age and make the rules and consequences clear. Don’t
hover over them and be careful not to provide too much help. This
undermines the child’s being motivated and taking responsibility.
My very wise mother used to say, “School is your responsibility. I am not going to ask if you have homework, or if you have done it. When you bring your grade card home, I’ll know. If you have not fulfilled your responsibility, you will not participate in any activities until the next time grade cards come out and you show me you can be responsible.” And we knew she meant every word she said.
Choices
Let them have choices. Being told what to do, when to do it, and
how to do it, ensures lack of self-motivation. One doesn’t need to be
motivated; one need only wait, and sooner or later someone will tell
you what to do.
From the time our children are born, we should be looking for ways to turn their lives over to them. Again, this is based on knowing what they are capable of and giving them choices they can handle.
When my daughter was in the first grade, I would select five outfits I could afford and let her choose the one she wanted. Other examples of ways to give choices are to ask things like: Would you rather play for an hour and then do your homework, or would you rather do your homework first? Would you rather be responsible for taking out the garbage or setting the table?
Interests
Encourage
children to participate in
what they are interested in. A child is much
more likely to be motivated if they are doing
something they enjoy.
Accept your role as coach and cheerleader. Parents neither do the work nor play the game, but encourage, support, challenge, praise, set limits, keep expectations high and model a “can do” attitude. ~ Andrea Glovsky, AMG Educational Consultants
Strengths
Reinforce their strengths. Focusing on
weaknesses is not motivating and it
reinforces feeling bad about oneself. It might
result in being reluctant to take risks or
participate in anything. A child is more likely
to be successful and motivated if they
are encouraged to develop their skills and
talents.
I recently heard a guest author on Oprah say that when a child brings home a report card, parents are likely to spend a great deal of time on a grade of C or lower and hardly acknowledge the Bs and As. Do we have to be good at everything to be a success? I am not suggesting that we overlook weaknesses and not do what we can about them, but too often the weaknesses become the focus and the child’s identity.
Rewards
Be cautious about using rewards. Self-motivation
comes from the inner satisfaction
one gets from completing a job, being successful,
learning something new and making
a difference. It is okay to acknowledge our
children’s achievements and praise them,
but that should never become the motivating
factor. Too many rewards results in the
child being motivated externally, rather
than internally. When no one is there to give
the external rewards, the motivation goes
away.
Perfectionists
Make sure you are not a perfectionist. If
you expect your children to be perfect, they
will quickly learn they can never succeed
and will most likely give up. You can forget
having self-motivated children if you are a
perfectionist.
Failure
Never focus on failure. Mistakes are to be
learned from. If a child is made to feel they
have failed, they will not be motivated to
take initiative or risks, for fear of failing
again. When something doesn’t turn out to
be successful, help the child learn from their
mistake and how they can do it differently
the next time.
Learning
Emphasize learning rather than grades. Ask your child to tell you
about her science project, rather than what grade she made on it.
Have a discussion about what she learned from doing it, what she
liked about it, etc. This doesn’t mean we don’t encourage our children
to get good grades, but research shows that focusing on learning,
working hard, and doing one’s best, results in a child enjoying school
more, having greater motivation, and better test scores than the child
whose parent concentrates only on grades.
Competition
NEVER compare your children. Need I say more?
Like all important life skills, inner motivation takes time and patience to develop. It is one of the biggest challenges a parent faces, and it takes perseverance. Dealing with challenges and learning to persevere are two characteristics of a self-motivated person. So while you are rising to the challenge and persevering, you will be role modeling for your children two very important characteristics of a selfmotivated person.
SUGGESTED READING
Motivated Minds: Raising Children to Love Learning
by Kathy Seal and Deborah Stipek
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