by Jackie Titus

When planning a family, parents envision brothers and sisters who will love each other and be best friends, not siblings who are continuously arguing and fighting. However, instead of children cooperating with each other, most parents hear: “Mom, Billy pinched me.” “Mom, Suzy took my candy.” “Dad, tell him to stay out of my room.” And the one that really makes you want to leave home is, “Mom, Bobby’s looking at me.” Sadly, in many homes there is an endless flow of these kinds of incidents. They make us want to pull our hair out, or worse, pull our children’s hair out.

Experts assure us that sibling rivalry is normal and common. However, knowing that fact doesn’t make the tension any easier to live with. Sibling rivalry prevents many families from having the peaceful, loving atmosphere they long for and often ruins family activities that were planned and anticipated with joy.

So if we long for a loving, supportive family, why do we often experience the opposite? And what can we do to solve the problem of sibling rivalry?

Causes of Sibling Rivalry
Many psychologists believe that sibling rivalry stems from wanting a parent’s attention or approval or from thinking that there is not enough of something to go around. That “something” could be love, attention or material things.

Other causes of sibling rivalry include lack of positive ways to get attention, i.e., not knowing how to ask for what one wants, boredom or tiredness and stress, either the child’s or the family’s. The more uncomfort- able or bored a child is, the more likely they are to act out. Keeping these sources of sibling rivalry in mind can be helpful in shap- ing our response when it occurs.

What to Do
To start, a family needs ground rules in place, which might prevent a lot of sibling rivalry or ensure that it is expressed in a less destructive way. Some suggested ground rules:

• No physical expression of feelings. No hitting, kicking, biting, pinching or throwing things.

• No name calling.

• Clear and understood consequences for breaking the rules. (Always enforce them.)

• Each child needs his own space and things. It is the parent’s responsibility to protect a child’s space and possessions. This understanding provides a built-in way to resolve many disagreements. It also communicates respect for each child and teaches them to respect another person’s boundaries and belongings.

After establishing ground rules to help build the kind of family we want, consider these suggestions:

• Guide children to “use their words” and ask directly for what they want.

• See children as individuals and make sure they know they are valued for their uniqueness. Kathy Meltzer Heitmueller, a local mother of two says, “One of the most important things I’ve learned to help me deal with sibling rivalry is that my children have different personalities.” NEVER COMPARE CHILDREN or expect them to be like eachother. This is sure to bring about the worst kind of competition and sibling rivalry.

• Schedule one-on-one time with each child. Whether you read a book, go for a walk or take a trip to the park, quality time will provide the perfect opportunity to assure a child that he is special and give him your full attention. The quality of the attention is everything. With just 10 minutes of quality attention you can make up for a great deal of inattention. Think how important you feel when you have someone’s full attention.

• Do not intervene and resolve conflicts.Tell your children they will have to work it out themselves. If they get your attention by having disagreements, you are reinforcing the behavior you don’t want. Letting them resolve it themselves teaches problem solving skills and self-reliance, as opposed to teaching them to depend on someone else to solve their problems.

• If things escalate to a destructive point, you must intervene. You may need to enforce a timeout, separate the children or take away the object that’s causing the conflict.

• Nevertakesides. Listen to all sides and guide your children in coming up with their own solution.

• Don’t pick out one child to punish. Hold all responsible for their behavior. Among other things this can eliminate telling on each other.

• Do not get trapped by the “that’s not fair” argument. Children are treated differently because they are different and have different needs. Older children nat- urally have more privileges and independence.Being fair doesn’t mean giving each person the same thing. Do, however, make sure you are not treating someone unfairly.

• Plan family activities that everyone enjoys. Fun times together lead to Kathy Heitmueller’s children Maggie Mae and Jake learns important life skills while learning to get along with one another.

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